Happy Birthday to me. I turn 23 today. I'm really lucky to be celebrating another one this year as I shouldn't be alive. I get to spend it with the love of my life and the only one who has been there for me through this whole things. My dog.

I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.
Nothing is the same as it used to be. I am always dropping things. I can't walk like I used to. My coordination is shit. I have a hard time remembering things. Does this get better?
I'm not who I was before. Do I even like myself now? I don't know. Will things get better when I get back to a somewhat normal rue-tine? Or will I always be stuck like this?
I'm going crazy

My one and only love. I love waking up to your dog slobbery kisses, to the fur flying hugs. I know I can always count on you when I need you. You'll always be there for me. I know you will always be the one stable thing in my life.

I love you with all my heart. With your blue eyes gazing into the food bowl silently asking for more. The little twitch you get when we used to go for walks. The excited beat you get when you see a fly. I love it all.

I miss those days hiking with you. Capturing your every moment. You love life because I'm here with you. Every day another joy. I look up to you probably more than I should. How much more simple it would be. 

How is anyone supposed to get insurance now? I have millions of dollars in hospital bill and no insurance company will take me because I still have doctor follow ups and nerve damage. What do I do now? File for bankruptcy because I can't pay you people? How is it that I am to blame when I can't pay the millions of dollars in medical bills because some drunk driver hit me.

I am out of the wheelchair now and my face is slowly turning up. I can smile now and squint. But my eye still looks inward and I still have double vision.

My orthopedic doctor released me saying my ankle is healing fine and that I can start walking again after 4 months. My ankle is still really swollen due to the fact that I have a cut going from the beginning of my ankle all the way around to the back of my ankle, destroying my lymph nodes. He says that with compression it should eventually be fine.

I'm just happy I still have a foot and that I can walk.

When they finally took the tubes out and fixed my ankle, I was left with 6th and 7th cranial nerve damage, along with partial paralysis of the left side of my face. I now have double vision because my left eye looks towards my nose and my right is fine due to the paralysis. I have a plate and 4 screws in my ankle. I spent 4 months in a wheelchair and am just now learning to re walk.

I thank God everyday that I am still alive.

I was hit by a car as a pedestrian on the interstate new years eve 2011.

I was supposed to be dead on the scene because a van pinned me against the medium  breaking every bone in my head, causing brain trauma and bleeding. My right knee cap broke along with my right ankle. 

But I was saved by 2 angles that secured my airway so I didn't bleed out into my lungs before the paramedics got there. 

I was rushed to the hospital and immediately put in ICU on life support in a doctor induced coma for 2 weeks. I then woke up with double vision and could not speak because I developed pneumonia.  

Living

I constantly worry that I'm going crazy.

Guess I should start at the beginning since this blog was really supposed to start 5 months ago.

I was hit by a car on new years 2011...